by ©2008 Elsa Tapia, Illustration by Rafael Vilá ©2008

When we get married or we make the decision to have a sentimental relationship with a person who is not only divorced, but also has children of a previous relationship, we must understand the following:

1. The love that unites us.
2. We cannot erase the past.
3. Whether we want to or not, a war of jealousy and control may be produced.

Shall this happen, it does not mean that the children of our spouse are not in agreement with the new relationship. It is difficult to ask the children to accept something they did not request nor caused, putting ourselves in their shoes; we must understand or fall into account that many of these children are quite tolerant.

When we choose a mate to share our life with, it does not mean that we are replacing the father or mother of our children. I have met couples in which their children were very small and have been able to bear the relationship much more pleasantly than older children, in the sense, that being the children so small or young, they have been able to accept his stepfather or stepmother like a second father or a second mother. But, what of those couples with adult or adolescent children and they do not accept the relationship, or simply have opposing feelings?

As mother I can say, that there is always a fear in our heart of any confrontation between our spouse and our children; it is very difficult for any parent, a confrontation between the people who we love and occupy a very important area of our heart.

The stepfather or stepmother must know the following, and I say this by my own experience, not always a discord between our children and our second husband (wife) must be because they are not the “real” parents, in families always arise, jealousy, challenges, discords and even rivalries between parents and children, this can happen even with the biological parent.

To me it is very infantile when the stepparent is always blaming the situation that since he (she) is not the true father or mother, this is the reason why it is happening. It is not good to throw at your mate’s face as a reproach; he (she) is guilty of the way or the attitudes of their children.

A divorce always brings or drags consequences, the subject is, to measure the love and the relationship with your mate, seek professional aid, make family reunions and never hide your feelings.

When one is transparent and if these children of your mate are already adults, speak with them and if each must live on their own, that is, if these kids can live apart from their parent, and altogether can reach an agreement, it would be good to do it as soon as possible and not allow the matters to accumulate.

It is real that both parents are needed to raise our children, for that reason it is very important, when there is a divorce, to never speak badly to our children of their biological parent, one never knows when we might need the hand of our ex- spouse or when your adolescent children ask you to let them go live with their biological parent, and if you sowed a negative image of their parent to them, it is going to be difficult to resume a relationship that never, never ever must be affected in spite of a divorce between their parents.

Through my own experience, after my divorce and living single for ten years, I decided to marry again; I can say that God was my aid, my adviser, and my sustenance. I got married again when my two, male children, were 11 and 13 years of age. I can tell everyone that it was not easy for my husband, although I had asked my children for their authorization on my next marriage. None of us knew what we were facing, but God did know, so first of all, we all began a friendly relationship and that helped us very much.

My present husband has three males and I two, the difference is that I am thirteen years older than him and whether you believe it or not, it helped me a lot with my children since my way of being is very youthful and my husband’s way of being agreed to be very exact with my adolescent children.

In the beginning, we committed many errors and my husband passed through periods of fear and depression, to which I felt like a fourth grade teacher with shaken hormones because of all the kids.

My children already in their 18 and 20 years of age are in search of their own horizon and my husband has been an essential part for them, God knows it all.

Search in Jesus and never refuse any help from those that can give you some of their experience.

Blessings.

Elsa Tapia

©2008 Elsa Tapia